Realizing My Own Limits

Posted on June 11, 2014 by Asmiroth

There’s a widely known issue with introverts in that we don’t have much useful data about them. For some reason, they avoid attention! Go figure. So when I try to read up on social cues and tools, they often reflect a alpha/extrovert personality. This has been challenging as I’ve essentially had to learn the hard way.

Another known fact (if you read this blog regularly) is that I am an introvert. It’s funny enough when I tell this to co-workers or friends I’ve only met in the past 5 years. I certainly don’t come off like one. You can thank honed personal defenses for that one.

I like to watch people. Not in a creepy way but more like ants. Ok, that sounds creepy. When I was younger, I would spend hours at the local mall watching people interact. I’d guess what they did for a living, how many kids (if any), the car they drove, what they were up to. I did that by looking and what they wore, how they held themselves, their speech patterns and a few other things. Over the years, I got better and better at it. I guess it was my “people type” database. I was missing an important part though.

I could read people well enough but I lacked the social cues necessary for progress. I could start a conversation, but I lacked empathy, so emotional feedback would often break the people type mold. Many years in client service, dealing with all sorts of people helped that along. I developed some rudimentary tools. Lead in sentences. Easy exits.

I remember the first time my wife to be met one of my coworkers. Both were dumbfounded that they were talking about the same person. At work, I was an aggressive, no-nonsense, logical throughput machine. I had a goal and hell or high water, I got there. At home I was soft, responsive, willing to compromise. I was in effect two different people because of my social toolset.

It’s a stretch to call it multiple personalities but at a really high level, that’s just about right. I had a few too, for different events. Over the past few years, I’ve instead found more common ground between them and for one main reason.

It’s damn exhausting.

Let’s pretend that I ask you to spend a month using the word superfluous, at least once an hour. You’d keep track, try to figure out where to use it. That takes energy compared to being yourself.

Being myself at home works. With friends too. At work, less so. So it’s a slight variant. Where I would originally end my week and crash for 10+ hours of sleep and barely get through the week, today I can get til about 2pm on Friday. Past that point, bareknuckles me comes out. It can be jarring but the key item is that I know about it.

So I schedule my week accordingly. Sessions I know will have conflict are early in the week. Items that simply require heads down work are end of week. I just simply ensure that I’m not in a position where I feel drained and ineffective. That’s a core problem with introverts, self judgment.

So today I have a bunch of social tools, the ability to read people and talk to them, a decent enough personality balance and the knowledge of my personal limits. It took 20+ years of work to get here. One day, I’ll either find that book or write my own.

Random Thought – Multi-lingualism

Posted on May 29, 2014 by Asmiroth

A thing I’ve realized lately is that I am constantly in a state of translation and interpretation. My job deals mostly with integrating business and tech solutions so I need to speak both languages. Then I need to brief VPs on the matter, yet another language altogether. So while I am fluent in English and French, I think I actually know a dozen languages. For example.

“But Captain, the warp coils in the dilithium chamber need to be realigned with the phase inducers manually with a tricorder inside a Jeffrey’s tube.” That makes no sense outside of the context of Star Trek (and probably even less in that context).

“Ahhh, Jeez. He banged the blower.” You need to be a gearhead to decode it.

“But the API doesn’t allow routing to the kernel, we need another low level hook.” Real technobabble.

“Alignment of key strategies to the governance framework is required for sustainability”. Executive speak. I am, oddly and sadly, very proficient at this.

“Ok, so the DPS need to throw a pile DOTs and debuffs, while the tank keeps aggro and the healer just HOT.” It’s like herding cats that one.

“Oh, did you see that dipsy-dangle toe-drag, what a beaut!” Got to love hockey.

I think this is one of those life skills that people develop over time and through experience. I look back just 10 years and I’ve certainly more than doubled my vocabulary and context set. As an introvert, I always had issues finding the right words for the right time for the right people. Tons, and I means thousands of hours here, of listening to people talk, reading notes and watching videos (TED talks are awesome) have seriously expanded my abilities. Today, I actually feel comfortable talking to nearly anyone about any given topic. Young, old, a specialist or a generalist.

The downside to this however is that I use visual cues to help guide a talk. Face to face, no problem. I can read a person or a crowd and adjust as necessary. Over the phone is tough. I really need to pay attention and I can get flustered. Written messages are the worst and I’ve resigned myself to a simple rule. Don’t include the words “My, myself or I” in anything I write for work. Personal stuff, no problem – but at work, I use “Us, We and It” instead. It forces me to remove all emotion from the message and makes the issue a group issue rather than just me saying something. Try writing something like that, it’s far from intuitive.

I know this is more of a random thought than anything else but as I grow older (and hopefully wiser) and look back some, I’m honestly impressed by the progress and motivated to achieve more. Not obsessed mind you, just fascinated that when I was younger I thought I knew a lot. When in reality, I have a better appreciate today for what I don’t know. It’s actually quite liberating.

Life Tips – Getting Noticed

Posted on May 28, 2014 by Asmiroth

This is a bit out of the blue but a few recent events at work have really brought this to the front of my brain. Today’s youth, say 18-25, really are in a complete social clash with the rest of society. When you haven’t ever worked a job and your first interview is at 25, then you’re going to have issues. So this post is dedicated to those folks and maybe a few other people with curiosity peeking through. This applies mostly to a non-labour intensive job (e.g. not a miner).

And it’s for guys cause you girls have way too many rules.

Like it or not, the visual impression is the one most people get stuck with. What you wear and how you present yourself speaks many so much that many people, right or wrong, have made up a decision about you before you even have a chance to open your mouth. Being smart about it puts you at an advantage, and it’s one you really should be taking.

Buy a suit and a jacket

Ok, you’re poor. I get that. You have parent/grandparents or some family member. You have a birthday or Christmas. Collect gift certificates, anything really. And then go buy 2 things – a tailored suit and a jacket/blazer.

A tailored suit is not normal for a young person. You typically only see people with grey hair or power execs. The thing is, that you’re fresh out of school and look like you know nothing. Coming in with jeans and a golf shirt is like everyone else. Come in a suit and you will make a good impression. If you work right now, come in to work one day with a suit and I guarantee people will ask if you’re going for an interview or some such. A jacket/blazer is something you can just throw on with any pair of pants and shirt. It makes you semi formal with 1 piece of clothing. And when you buy it, find the best dressed salesperson in the room. They will try to fit you in clothes that you already think are neat. Ask questions too, they are there to help.

The most important part though, is that it makes you look older. I cannot stress how massively important that is to a young person. You’re at a distinct disadvantage without grey hair but a suit suddenly evens the field a bit.

Find clothes that fit and wear a belt

This one sounds simple but look around you. Most people are wearing clothes that are either too tight or too lose-fitting. Pants that fit have a hem that goes to the floor when you’re not wearing shoes. People should be able to see your belt, not just the belt buckle. You shirt shoulder hems should be vertical, not half-way down your bicep.

If it has a hole, a stain don’t wear it to work. If it’s wrinkled, 5 minutes in the dryer usually fixes it.

Facial maintenance

If you don’t have a beard, shave daily. If you don’t shave daily, create an outline of the stubble. If you have a beard, learn to comb it and keep it trimmed. Again, this sounds obvious, but the days of not shaving for a week and having a neck beard are gone.

Find your own style

Everyone has a personal style. What I mean by this is that you need to find what makes you feel comfortable and make it presentable. There are hundreds if not thousands of styles out there. Some people like hats, some mustaches, some unique belts or shoes. Your physical stature has a lot to do with this too, so dress to your strengths.

You don’t have to be a sheep – just be clean and neat. Mustard stains is not a style 🙂 A good suggestion is to read Reddit’s MFA thread.

Style evolves

I don’t think I’ve seen a 30 year old goth or a 40 year old skater (outside of the XGames). Styles evolve over time and you should too. If you try the baseline advice above, you can always try changing a couple items at a time and see if it still makes you happy.

The most basic and simple advice is this. Pay attention to what you wear because other people will.

Social Aptitudes and Outlets

Posted on May 27, 2014 by Asmiroth

So, Jewel had an interesting post yesterday. There are a few (and update) more out there. And a twitter hash to boot. Social issues and our ability to connect with other people about them is challenging when you’re face to face. Let alone of the vast spaces of the interwebs.

I’m a white male, 6’1, Canadian, educated and aside from some words of encouragement, self-made. I do well for myself and my family. I am lucky in that my upbringing was in a more white-collar environment (though tinged with a decade-long bitter divorce between parents), which certainly gives a different view on, well, everything. My wife’s family is very blue collar and while some are educated, I would not assign that to school or reading but to life experience. One is uncomfortable with change, the other doesn’t even want to think about it.

And these are the people who are related by blood and within an hour’s drive!

Now imagine the social differences I have with someone in another country, someone who went through hell and back (and may still be there), or someone who lives in a more “socially advanced” culture. Doone has a recent article that focuses a fair bit on that. It’s really hard to empathize with someone half a continent away, with a different upbringing and set of values. What might seem minor to me might be a massive issue for them, and vice versa. Until you walk in their shoes, it’s damn hard to pass judgment.

And we get to the more recent blogo-deddon around a clearly disturbed individual who took the subject to the extreme. The messages are all over the place, but most boil down to the objectification of women.

Now, looking back before the interwebs, the message has pretty much always been there. The 50s are notorious for keeping women in the kitchen in their ads and Mad Men reflects that pretty damn well. Today though, while the message is perhaps less oppressive, it is massively more sexual. It is also incredibly more pervasive. What I mean by this is that 15 years ago, you could shut off the media. Today’s youth (and let’s be honest here, the issue is largely there) is constantly bombarded by these messages. There’s no relief. It’s one of the reasons I cut cable TV and why I personally select the media my girls consume.

I am seriously glossing over the topic, but I am ill-equipped to debate it. What I can do however, is include that mindset in my active conversations and postings. For example, I’ve mentioned that I like Bioshock Infinite and while Elizabeth is not the main character, in a way, she is. The Last of Us’ Ellie is pretty much the same. Lara Croft is a powerful woman, with a more rugged approach than sexual. Red in Transistor is friggin’ awesome. There are plenty of gender neutral games as well. That’s a message I can transmit, not only to the people reading but to my kids.

I can also discuss this topic openly with my wife. It’s not a 5 minute conversation, granted. It’s an entire culture shift. But it has to start somewhere and it might as well be here.

The Ebb and Flow of Game Time

Posted on May 25, 2014 by Asmiroth

If you were to follow a release schedule over any given year, you often see the fall spike, winter lull and spring/summer oddities. I am sure most people have the most free time in the fall but the other months are a good question.

Being a Canadian, our dogsleds and igloos don’t get much use in the summer. Then again, they don’t get much use anytime. But the summer months, as short as they seem to be, as a prime time to take advantage and step outside. I think if I lived in a more temperate climate I’d have more options but as it is, I have snow season, rainy season, bug season, 2 weeks of ok time, then the fall which is also pretty neat.

Scree brings up an interesting/sad story about the death of a guild. After 10 years, people have simply moved on. Looking back 10 years, I was in the WoW beta prepping some guides. Funny side story actually, I was posting on wow.net forums doing what eventually became known as theorycrafting. I had 3-4 offers to write guides for it and took it up. Considering I was making ~$15/hour at the time, it seemed like a great deal. Over the years, it’s paid for every piece of tech in my house.

So, 10 years ago I was in a relationship, living on the cheap in an apartment. I had a fair amount of free time outside of my shift work. A year or two in, and I got a new job doing some tech support for a pretty decent chunk of change. Without shift work and with more money, I had more free time. Eventually that relationship ended while I was starting a new job with a rather huge time commitment. If I recall, I dropped most everything to do some 7-7 days, along with some overtime on the weekends. Gaming really fell to the side but was used as a de-stressor.

That job evolved into something else and I found a new relationship. Eventually got married about 5 years ago and I guess you’d say I grew up then. I still found time to game a fair amount, while the S/O watched TV or did her own thing. I did however ensure I put some focus on RL commitments as she didn’t share my passion for gaming. A few kids along the way cut even more out of my schedule. I think the largest impact was while playing Rift.

I was in a fun guild and we were trying some of the public raids (big rifts). It’d be 10 at night, they were rather pick up and play, but with a baby crying you’d need to get up and take care. It really changed my priorities. I haven’t really raided in a focused mindset since then, since the call of RL typically trumps any gaming moment. Heck, most social settings require this and I’ve always found it weird to hear about people holding kids and giving bottles while raiding/grouping.

Reading the previous paragraph, I think that’s the core of the issue with people who grow up. While I can set away a few hours to play a game of hockey or a night out with the guys, it’s quite hard to do the same when you game in the same building as your family lives. There’s still a social stigma, as they see it more like TV, where you can just “poof” stop and don’t see the people on the other side. It would honestly be easier to leave the house.

Today’s gaming time is an odd mix of an executive career’s time commitments, juggling kid’s expectations, finding time with my wife, exercise and then finally getting some downtime to game. I could, and have, gone 2-3 weeks without 15 minutes to myself. I’m still working on finding balance and perhaps, once the kids get a bit older, I can share some time with them in a game or two. Until then, it’s best effort.

A Loss of Many Forms

Posted on March 23, 2014 by Asmiroth

I sit here writing, where waves of salt have flowed from my eyes, finding that is eases such loss. Where I need personal space and time to collect my emotions, and there are many, I find this forum to be quite fruitful.

This morning I woke as I do, with kids running into the room with smiles on their faces. After a short time playing in the bed, I brought them down for the morning meal. It was my wife’s birthday yesterday, so I thought to make some waffles. It’s a thing in my house, where waffles, for some inside-joke reason, have added significance. I had barely serves the first before the phone rang. It was my father, which is an odd sort of thing to occur at that time of day. I knew immediately it wasn’t good. My uncle had passed a few minutes earlier. He was younger than my father. It was more than surreal. The call ended but I am at a loss to remember how.

My daughters then, in their childlike way, asked some simple questions, to which I found difficulty in answering. In grief, one’s thoughts are not solid or focused. I had tried explaining death in a recent passing but at this point, I was simply lost. In fact, lost is the best term for the entire day. I answered best I could but my wife was there to help. Given that my aunt was but a few minutes away, I headed over.

Grief is an interesting beast of emotion. It hits hard, it hits continuously and it hits without end. I spent the day with my aunt, my cousin, my father and my grand-father. We men are of same cloth. Grief is but an unceasing tide that wreaks havoc on any defenses or pretense of understanding. In the middle of thought, of which we seem deeply to be within, a crack is found and a stutter occurs.

When someone close passes away, you have this unending feeling that they are right around the corner. A door opens and you think it might be them. A creak in stairs and they are bounding down to meet you. But in your mind, a split second after your heart has yearned, knows they won’t be around the corner. When thoughts wander, they go to places where emotion is strongest. I can see the times I spent with him as a youth, as an adult and as a parent. I can see the times I won’t have him around. A hole that exists. One to match when my grandmother passed at this exact same time 7 years ago.

My uncle was fond of saying that no one can cheat death and that our tickets are already punched. I am of the same belief. Certainly there is anger and frustration at losing someone close when they are still young. My rage was shortlived. I can think at all the things he did and saw. I can see that he had no regrets. He lived a full and rich live and made all of us lucky to know him.

I will miss him dearly and my heart is broken with need of mend.

Back on Land – Cruise Review

Posted on March 16, 2014 by Asmiroth

My wife was kind enough to book a cruise to the Caribbean for the both of us last week. She’d been talking about that type of trip for some time but money was always a stop on that idea. There are plenty of ways to spend a week for a lot less money than a cruise – and that opinion still stands. Still, back after a week and here’s some thoughts of the whole affair.

Get a great agent

We were lucky to find a great agent and a great deal. Direct flight, transport, accommodations, gratuities and a drink package were all included – for $2200, tax-in. Most cruise prices only include the accommodations. All the rest combined, per person, would have been around $1000. Our agent found the deal, did a ton of prep work and was highly organized. It was a fire sale price really, quite comparable to a 5 star all-inclusive resort.

The best part is that they will take all your requirements in hand and budget it out for you. Some people don’t need a drink package, others can’t live without it. They’ll recommend excursions too, and give some great tips.

Great cruise line

Each line has their own target clients. Carnival is the 20-something pary-goer. Royal Caribbean is the family type. Celebrity Cruises, our line, is aimed for the retiree/affluent market. Now, I’m a jeans and t-shirt kind of guy at home but I’m practically in a suit at work, so no big swap for me. Every dinner was a 5 course meal, required “smart casual” wear and you had more than 2 forks. I am an avid food lover, I like that type of dining. My wife isn’t so used to it, but she found the charm in it. The activities on board also reflected that attitude, with an active pool deck but a more subdued ship interior.

It’s a damn big ship

Room service was included, so we had breakfast every day on our balcony. Get a balcony. Do not ever, ever go on a cruise without one. And one that faces the sea. It is spectacular and provides you some private sun.

Of all the target demographics, I found myself better aligned with this cruise than the others. I would much rather wear a dinner jacket than sit next to someone in flip flops.

Important note is cleanliness. At every port and every restaurant there was someone with hand sanitizer. There were always people cleaning the ship. Health and safety is extremely important in a closed space. I’m not sure how it’s handled on other lines but this is not a resort. Everything sparkles and is clean and there’s no smell. It’s astounding what a difference that makes to the experience.

Finally, nearly everyone we met had gone on a cruise before. Celebrity Cruises is not a discount line, so they had done the other ones before. Every single one of them would recommend this line again. This speaks highly to the target market being patrons and being served accordingly.

The food

Above everything else that I do on vacation, eating is the #1 thing I enjoy the most. My wife doesn’t like quite a few things (seafood, fish, lamb quickly come to mind) so it’s not like I have that normally at home. This line had a great set of food, 5 course a night, with a varying menu. Our package included select dining, which meant we could select the hour of our meals. We took a late seating, which meant we had our own table, rather than splitting it with 4-8 other people. I had risotto, lamb shanks, eggplant caviar, apple gazpacho, baked alaska, blue cheese souffle and dozens more dishes. All extremely good and the portions were not American – i.e. you could finish the plate. Also of note, my wife’s lactose intolerance. They made special work for her plates, always with a smile, and I could not have thanked them more.

Even the buffet open during the day was great, with a rotating selection every hour. I stuck to Indian food mostly, but did try a few odd things. The homemade salmon sandwiches were a good midnight snack.

What I didn’t try were the specialty restaurants. They were $30-$50 a head and it is extremely hard to justify a $100 premium on a meal after having had a ballroom meal the night before.

Itinerary and excursions

We landed at San Juan, St Thomas and St Maarten. The first port was great, a small metropolitan town that reminded me of downtown Quebec City. Cobble streets, bars, military fort. People actually lived there. St Thomas and St Maarten were simply 2 towns meant to sell jewelry to tourists. I despised both port towns and felt dirty just being around them.

We did take a trip to do some snorkeling in St Thomas, which was cool. Saw some whales (very rare), sea turtles, rays, fish and corral. Well worth every penny. In hindsight, we should have tried to find a few beaches outside of town.

I’ve done excursions on resorts and they in no way shape or form compare to those organized by a cruise line. It’s like comparing McDonalds to Cordon Bleu. Companies will fight over a cruise line recommendation, which drastically increases the quality.

The not so good

Our ship had 3,000 people. You need to put those people somewhere and the upper deck was, in my opinion, too crowded. I am a natural introvert and being elbow to elbow for 7 days with other people drove me batty. The last day I spent mostly in my room, on the balcony.

Try 3x more people.

Ships move. Get some pills or patches or whatnot and be ready for the possibility of rough seas. One night was particularly difficult. The advantage to this is that no one wants to get drunk and be sea sick, so there’s none of that crazy stuff you see on a resort. My wife is still feeling it after 36 hours off ship. One lady was sick the first 3 days.

The contrast in service between the ship, the excursions and everywhere else is drastic. The first two treat you like you are a client and ensuring their employment. I don’t mean pampering, I mean service with a smile. Just saying “hi” is a great thing. The service in the continental U.S. is abhorrent. Our driver had 60 people on the bus. He loaded it up alone, and emptied it alone. Every time with 4-5 people just watching him. Then these people wanted to get tips for being porters or for moving the bags 5 feet. Airport service was just as bad. I have had great service in the U.S. before but this level of apathy is incredible. It made me give extra gratuity to the on-board staff, just because the contrast was so high.

Conclusion

The real question is would I do it again. I would not do an eastern Caribbean cruise. The ports are much too commercial and American influenced for my tastes. I would try pretty much anywhere else in the world though, even a western Caribbean one. I would do it again, for anything under $2500, assuming all the same was included as in this trip. Anything above that, I could get a near-private beach at a Sandals resorts. I would also plan things a bit better in terms of ship activities. I’d spend the time to find the quiet spots at the quiet times. I’d try to keep the same table for formal dinner, just to have a better rapport with the wait staff.

Cruises aren’t for everyone. They aren’t wholely up my alley, as I prefer a bucket of beer on a beach and a good book, but they do provide a level of luxury at a great price point.

Thar Be Trolls

Posted on February 28, 2014 by Asmiroth

As long as the interwebs have existed, there have been trolls. Shielded by anonymity, they wreak havoc on a community and you can often find the trainwreck on forums.

Reddit has a very interesting way of dealing with trolls. It’s a democratic system that downvotes into oblivion. The truly bad cases are PM-ed to the nth degree. It’s hard to find a post that’s been on reddit’s top list that doesn’t have at least one deleted account posting. So, social tools ftw I guess.

Game forums are, by and large, based on the old phbb forum. You get a post count, stickies and the ability to ban. Even the largest game on the planet has notoriously horribad forums.

Enter some contenders. LOL has a tribunal system where the really bad people go, based on warnings/votes. XBONE has a 3 tier system based on reputation scores, with more or less a hell layer for the worst offenders. These systems work well enough as the games typically cater to small set of players, 5-50 and the games are relatively short.

MMOs are long and contain thousands of players at once. Other than building a dedicated server for bungholes, the penalties are all related to time-outs or outright bans. To further complicate things, the in-game activities are not usually linked to the forum posts, where the trolls have the largest audience.

Trion is trying something new in that the actions on the forums carry the same weight as in-game. You can potentially be banned for forums activity. Time will tell if it works. Reaction is mixed and I think that has more to do with a culture saturated in trolling.

Respawn has a post touting the right of free speech and takes to a logical extreme the courts have outright rejected (at least outside the US). Freedom of speech gets you just far enough to where the other person’s rights begin. You’re certainly allowed to say what you want but you have to be ready to live with the consequences.

To be quite blunt, games are miniature societies who have their own rules. You don’t have to play them, there are hundreds to choose. If you want to be an asshat, I’m sure EvE is looking for more players. If you want to be a part of a society, then you play by those rules. If that society judges (and that’s the most appropriate word) that you are more a hindrance to them then a boon, get ready to be cast out.

The concept of individual rights superseding those of society is a separate topic and way too political. Depending on your location on our planet, the answer changes drastically. For games though, they are on the internet. And the internet is getting mighty good at fighting trolls.

Where the World and I Collide

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