Not often I talk about my work. It’s a significant part of my identity mind you, and I gather if you read this blog you’d have a good idea of type of work I do. One area I’ve been continuously working upon is conflict management. Honestly, way more work than I ever thought I’d need.

An old adage I learned was to never argue with an idiot. They will bring you down to their level and beat you with experience. Truth there.

I find, and have been provided feedback, that I am pragmatic. I tend to navigate the middle of the spectrum when it comes to interpersonal relationships and values, which allows me to work with pretty much any type of other personality. For those aware of the Myers-Briggs personality tests, I am a natural square (for whatever that may be of worth) and adapt to a given role based on needs. For example, if I’m in fire fighting mode, there’s very little space for emotional consideration. If it’s a team building activity, then the get-stuff-done mindset isn’t helpful.

I still encounter conflicts though. Work and personal. I’ve narrowed it down to conflicting principles and primarily due to trust issues. If a person is unable to be empathetic to other’s needs, and I mean willfully so, then I need to take specific steps to have a working relationship with them. If a person struggles to make the hard decisions because they are too sympathetic, a similar issue occurs. And above all else, if they say they are going to do something and don’t, then I need to re-assess the relationship.

Given the larger world context, a lot of people are under a lot of stress and anxiety. I get it. That causes defense mechanisms to activate earlier, and for less patience. That is tinder for conflicts and a lot of people will go to greater lengths to avoid it. It doesn’t do a great job of building relationships and in my experience, the majority of people will experience fear instead. They are simply looking for a safety blanket that is promising stability and golden fields. That’s the entire modus of a populist after all, preying on fear.

I am finding myself at an interesting intersection. I have spent years adding to my toolbelt of interpersonal skills, learning and tweaking. Ups and downs along the way, but I’m where I am because the tools work and the people I work share trust. Lately though, I’ve found myself in positions where I am unable to find common ground and in spaces of added conflict. The last couple months in particular have been chock full of trust breaches, and from the same set of individuals.

One particular relationship (not work related) has degraded to the point where it is not worth investing further. I can’t salvage it, and yet need to maintain it for at least another 2 months. They are not a bad person, at all, it’s just that our principles are very opposed meaning that we generate conflict continuously. It sucks because it’s smack dab in the middle of a passion of mine and draining the pleasure I get out of it. It’s a poor example, but putting a vegan cook in a burger joint is not going to work out.

Another relation is at work, where there’s a perceived complete lack of awareness of the people factor. The roles we occupy impact a lot of other people, and we are not in firefighting mode, so empathy for the actions is important – as is holding your word on steps you will take. I will have to maintain a working relationship with this individual for the foreseeable future, which is not exactly something I look forward to. I’ve exhausted my toolbelt, raised this with our joint superiors and I’m taking additional measures as well. It’s fascinating to see where my mental space lands after any interaction, and I’ve opted to simply stop engaging when my blood pressure spikes. Avoidance is not an effective strategy, and I am quite aware that if pressed, I am going to say something I should not. You can pull on an elastic for a long time, but eventually it will snap. In the positive space, I am at least aware of this issue, something that I would not have years ago.

And I have yet one more that relates to work that is not a colleague. For some time I have been trying to help this person’s development and have encountered a slew of events that breach ethical behaviour. Their lack of accountability is frankly astounding, where they end up blaming other people for all misgivings. Given the need for truth, digging with these other people has been eye opening. I’ve entered a less frustrating space now, where feedback and expectations are managed more formally, which will have longer term impacts I need to sort out.

Good news, is that within my house’s 4 walls there are no real comparable conflicts! Sure, there are stupid ones about taking out the garbage, but nothing mind blowing. A big piece I think is related to a shared set of values and principles, one that we’ve lived by for years, regardless of how hard it may have been to uphold. And damn, some times that absolutely was hard. The results will only be really seen in 10 years, but so far, so good. And I can certainly use a safe space to recharge from the rest.

Taking some steps back from all of this, it’s somewhat evident that I neither search for nor avoid conflict. Conflict is life, and hardship is growth for sure, but as long as we’re respectful then progress can be achieved. Yelling into the anonymity of the internet serves no real purpose. Group think of getting mad only makes you feel part of a group, it doesn’t actually solve anything. And not everyone has the skills or desire to navigate those rough waters. That realization is still a very tough conclusion to swallow.

What interesting times we live in…